Life

Not in love yet broken?

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I need so desperately to stop those tears from falling out of my eyes.

Right this very moment.
They wouldn’t stop.
If this was on paper, it would have been smudged into oblivion.
There is nothing wrong that I did. There is nothing wrong that he did.
This is that moment of truth where you know you can’t take it no more.
You can’t live a lie.
I loved him but I wasn’t in love with him.
I was just not that into the loveliest person on the face of this earth.
How is this even possible, I wonder.
How can you not fall in love with the perfect someone even after giving it all your undivided attention?
Why does it hurt so much when this is what you have been contemplating for the past few months?
I will never see him again the same way I saw him for the past 20 months.
It just changes in a few seconds and someone you could just kiss whenever you felt like is out of reach, completely, palpably forever.
“Never, never again?
Not on nights filled with quivering stars,
or during dawn’s maiden brightness
or afternoons of sacrifice?”
Just like that he made an appearance in my melodramatic journey. He came in as this subtle gypsy with words so fine and a fashionable hat with a zillion thoughts. He used to whisper softly into my ear leaving a tiny curve on my lips like no one else could.
He would sweep me off the floor on his whimsical carpet and take me to places, in the town and in his head. Smooth and rustic.
He used to dance around the fire with me and make sand castles with me. The sand felt so whole and the night sky filled with quivering stars felt endless. The touch so majestic and safe, I could imagine myself in those arms until my last breath.
Sometimes in life you come across the most beautiful sights and they stay in the memory forever all fresh like it was just yesterday. He is that sight. He will always be a part of me.
I still wonder though, what made me not fall in love with him?
What is love?
Is it not merely being happy with someone who loves you like you’re the only girl in the world?
How do you learn to be passionate about someone?
Why didn’t it work out when it was just perfect?
For now I will just tell myself that sometimes you got to be strong and lift yourself up and figure who you are. To know oneself is important. To be able to love oneself, to embrace oneself and to be kind to oneself is the first step to be able to fall in love, maybe. Perhaps life isn’t about finding the perfect someone and making sandcastles and telling all you know even to someone you know best.
But you know what they say, “Unfulfilled love can be romantic.” And it was the most romantic excerpt of my journey.
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