If you think your life sucks, you’ll feel better if you listen to the kind of stuff I am going through. But I am not going to tell you about it anyway. I write today because writing feels better than anything. I still don’t know where I am going with this piece (I retyped ‘piece’ three times because I still am not sure if the ‘i’ or the ‘e’ comes first. This is stupid.) but I definitely want to write something HAPPY.
This boy I met today midst utter depression asked me not to cry myself to sleep today but instead write something happy. I have almost forgotten how to write happy. I have started to seem like a very dark soul to some people who know me but I AM VERY EXTRAORDINARILY HAPPY most times which is kind of saddening that my writing doesn’t reflect it back upon the people known and unknown. But today I am extraordinarily sad and I have nothing but a dark soul pouring out melting griefs and and screechy little pieces of my heart. But I will still try.
It’s funny how I just can’t think of anything funny yet. Or happy, for that matter. I have been listening to “Drunk In love” on a loop and soon enough gonna start hating the song but I can’t stop anyway.
Sometime I really wonder if magic is for real. Or if aliens are for real. Today, during that dreadful hour, I looked up in the sky to see a shimmering vessel and wished hard enough for it to be a UFO that would land on that sprawling field in my vicinity, suck me in and take me to their planet or a whole new universe. At one point, I also wished I could ruin something beautiful, ruin it so bad, it vanishes along with it’s memories. ‘Happy’ might not happen today but I am going to keep trying.
Sometimes it’s just easier to write about abstraction using a lot of metaphors and similes and writing about reality seems like a mountain I can never climb. As I walked down the ‘palm drive’ with the boy today, I wondered if the couple kissing each other passionately in the middle of the shadowed realm of lovers and players felt strongly enough for each other to acclaim my emptiness. The boy’s account of his perverseness broke my stream of thoughts and brought me back to the last bite of my snicker bar which was supposed to be everlasting.
A violent mind can’t be tamed and sometimes a sad mind must remain sad in order to treasure the worth of a happy mind. You got to give in, accept and live with it but in my head there is a persistent feud where I still can’t give in. When the boy told me on how to stab his eyes out and how shabby everything on his side of the grass was, it felt good. I felt a tinge of happiness accompanied by a smirk. The boy told me about this movie I must watch called “Crow Zero” where in teen boys don’t study shit and hit each other instead. Yeah, I’d totally watch that! I like to watch boys fight after that dreadful hour. Maybe I would. (No. I won’t. Whom are we kidding? This is the day I’d read sad poetry and write sad posts and call it a happy post. And chick flick. Definitely.)
No. I haven’t broken up with my boyfriend, in case you’re wondering. Nothing of that sorts. Like I said earlier, I am not telling you what happened. But he left.
So when he turned around and left to never come back,
I cried my heart out to the unknown and the misty.
I laughed at destiny and the funny games it plays,
with rhyming words, a cigarette and a bottle of whiskey.
Living in denial gave me an abiding hope,
like it couldn’t ever die, it could never die because he belonged to me.
But today his touch didn’t speak to my body, his kiss wasn’t the same,
He was gone, leaving several scars and bloody marks on me.
Sad poetry also happened today. How the fuck do I make this a happy post? If I was granted one wish I’d make you happy but the words I put here in front of your eyes. I will sing this song for you and touch your soul blindly floating midst my words.