Crawl inside me.
There are stars and darkness.
There is utter pain and sorrow.
My insides are a thousand shattered pieces
like the bits of a puzzle
and a significant bit lost in the wilderness
I won’t find.
I won’t find.
The world has a plan for all of us. The world has its ways to get us where we ought to be. It keeps you in the darkness till you know how to value the light. It keeps you off the grid — for when ‘the one’ comes along, you know how to give love because you have learnt to love yourself.
I have never had the chance to love myself enough. I wasn’t strong. I wasn’t ready to love or rather didn’t know how to love. When you came along, you changed my world like no other being could have. Not even half of it. You stood by me in the sun, the rain and the storms. I felt loved like I had never felt before. You were too good to be true. You were like an apple tree in the middle of a desert.
Time flew by. We had come a long way, together. I was still not strong. I had forgotten to learn to be strong because I had you. You were there and I knew you would always be there. I might sound delusional but that is how it was in my head. I never thought otherwise because even when I had dirt on me, you were still there.
I was there too. I cared about you. I loved you in a way that isn’t talked about much. Poets talk about it sometimes. But who knows what poets talk about. One can never know. I wish I was a poet good enough to tell you how I loved you and you would understand. The one thing that manifest my words is that I had never imagined my life without you. It wasn’t even present in my passing thoughts. I think about the future a lot. Even then.
You now decide to leave. Leave for good? I don’t know. I believe the world has its own plans after all. I am still not strong. As a matter of fact, I have never found myself so weak. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have never met you. Would I have been a stronger person? Would I have learnt to love myself better? Only if you would have not followed me that night, into the darkness.
I don’t blame you for anything. I wasn’t there while I was there. I only blame you for the way you chose to leave. For the amount of time it took you to snap it all away from me without a warning.
The funny bit is — Since the time you have decided to leave, the world has been hell-bent on the fact that I should let go. That I should be stronger. That it is important to be strong! I come across so much poetry and all of them say the same goddamn thing. It’s rather annoying.
Another funny bit is — I find myself not caring about of those, deep inside. I do try. I guess it takes time for the heart to heal. I guess it takes time for one to crawl out of the bed of soaken pillows and the smell of the smoke. I guess it takes time to accept the universal fact that “change is the only constant thing” and that everyone changes. I guess it takes time to accept that belongingness is transient and we are all alone. Not just you, we all are. And that it takes time to learn how to love yourself.